Marian (marianr) wrote,


DISCLAIMER - If you don't want to know a fairly detailed analysis of my relationship structure, or if you will bother me about this when you next see me in person do not read any further. If you read further and then insist on bothering me about this in person, I will not be happy, and when I am done, you will not be happy.

This is cut and pasted from a post I made to alt.polyamory.

> What I'm trying to figure out is, how do you know if you are poly? I've
> many a friend who are poly, of course many monogamous, and some who do
> the swing thing, others who do the cheating thing. ME? right now I'm
> 100% single.

My first boyfriend was the first guy who showed interest in me for whom I had any corresponding interest. I'm not proud of it, but I don't know if the first six months of that relationship were monogamous. Once upon a time I assumed they were. (ass)(u)(me).

It seemed as soon as I met a guy who was interested in me I kept meeting others, probably because I wasn't as socially insecure. But even if I might be interested I wasn't interested cause that wouldn't be nice. I didn't ask him for his opinion on this or even on the level of seriousness of our relationship.

I think maybe I fell in love with the idea of my then boyfriend but I don't know if I ever really fell in love with him.

Approximately four or five months after we began a long distance relationship he suggested that I ought to date other people in addition to him. He gave reasons some logical, some spurious, all pretty much unremembered at this point except for the remarks on my sex drive and my wearing him out.

Some weeks later, and some three weeks since I'd seen him (ref: sex drive), I met a handsome fellow who was interested in me and who I thought was interesting. Group silliness ensued and somehow a kiss happened. And then many more kisses happened. And then some things that I won't discuss in public happened. Contact info was exchanged and the first thing I did when I got home was call my boyfriend and tell him all about it.

And he didn't disapprove.

Not only did he not appear to disapprove he seemed pleased.

So I continued this relationship. And I fell in love with this new guy (though I didn't know it then). And then for reasons unapparent at the time (and senseless still) my boyfriend chose not to spend time with me when we were in the same geographical space and I had the option to spend time with him. The new guy and the friends who had come along into my life with his existence kept me from being too badly hurt over it.

And I fell more in love with this new guy. And because his approval for an open relationship was explicit as well as implicit and had been fairly thoroughly discussed, I kept an eye and an ear open for other possible relationships though I didn't try very hard. Most nearly all of these possibles didn't meet my new sets of standards ... standards which in some ways were unreasonable expectations.

Currently I have a few long distance quasi relationships out there, and my new guy who is hardly new anymore even if he is still bright and shiny but mostly my polyness has been expressed by my being happy at his being happy in other relationships and by my dealing with unhappiness is ways other than demanding she go away.

> I'm not sure where I like on the poly-curve, and I'm very curious how
> people have determinied this for themselves, and what I should think
> about to try to get an answer.

When my new guy came along, I found out about the term polyamory. I looked it up and fiat declared myself poly because I was in an honest multi partner relationship.

Would I be happy just being in a couple? I don't know. Nor, so long as I have my sweetie, do I have any intention of trying to find out.

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